Dummies & Diapers

I recently read about the brilliant Spoon Theory and while I am not sick I felt it was easily applicable to my current situation with a 2 month old, colicky baby. Obviously I am not comparing being ill to having a baby (I love my little baby girl and I am pretty sure noone ever said that about their illnesss), but the idea of having a finite amount of spoons resonated with me.

Spoons however are not really that geeky, so I came up with my own version of the theory.

Life with a colicky baby is like playing oldschool D&D. You roll your character and based on your stats you have a certain amount of hit points. Once your hit points reach 0 it is game over.

Here is my stats sheet:

© Mistel 2013

Every morning you start out with full Energy Points, but each task you do takes away a certain amount of points. Want to go grocery shopping? Roll a D20 to see if your baby gets hungry midway. You rolled too low, ouch, baby lands a critical wail at you in the middle of the supermarked. You loose 4 Energy Points!

Want to vacuum? Roll the die again to check against your luck. If you roll high enough the white noise from the vacuum cleaner will lull your baby to sleep so you only loose 1 Energy Point.

Baby is crying, roll the die against your ability in baby decoding. Result: 1... Ouch critical failure, you thought the baby was hungry, but she wasn't now she is in hysteria and it will take 1 hour of walking back and forth singing to her before she calms down. You loose 5 Energy Points.

One of your friends ask if you want to meet up for lunch. Preparing to leave the house includes feeding and changing your baby. You loose 2 Energy Points for that and another 1 for packing the changing bag and walking back and forth to the cafe because you have to take an extra long route  as the pavement on the route you normally take does not accomodate a pram.

Your Energy Points got to -3, because you had to change diapers 3 times during the night? You will have a negative modifier for tomorrow... it is going to be a loooong day.

I hope my geeky version of the Spoon Theory helps non parents understand how it is to have a baby. When I decline a lunch invitation, it is not because I don't want to hang with you, it is simply because it is only 11:30, my Energy Points are already at 2 and I am fresh out of potions ;)

Getting creative

Walking around trying to soothe my crying daughter I had a stroke of creative genious that revealed itself in a song. And as the generous person I am I want to share it with you. Listen to this melody by Police.

Are you humming the melody to yourself now? Great. Now add these lyrics written by yours truly.
Every burp you make
Every wind you break
 Every dump you take
Every poop you make
 I'll be changing you

Oh can't you pee
A little less on me
Don't cry about the poo
Cause I'll be changing you

I am totally claiming copyrights for the lyrics, but you are welcome to use them for calming down your own offspring!

You shall not pass... gas.

Diaper Party

Being a geeky girl growing up in the 80th and 90th meant that the majority of my friends through life has been boys. Nowadays it is more common for girls to be into gaming and geeking and with the help of the Internet us nerdy girls have an easier time connecting, but when I was in my teens growing up in a small town, I didn't find many females sharing my interests.

As mentioned my hobby often meant that I preferred to hang out with boys and boys are (sorry to generalize) oftentimes quite liberal when it comes to sharing bodily functions with the world.

I have heard my share of loud burps followed by an applaud from everyone present except yours truly. I have experienced nasty smelling farts that caused delighted giggles by the entire group (again excluding me) and I have had my share of stories of floaters or diarrhea proudly shared while eating dinner or under similar circumstances.

It seems to me that the male species revels in celebrating bodily functions in a way I have never understood.. until now.

Everytime my baby girl burps or farts I squeel in delight and when I see her diaper full of poop I almost do a happy dance.. every time.

Because I know that every burp and every fart means a little less whimpering and tears and a fully loaded diaper can buy me half an hour worth of sleep.

The question is, do guys remember how revered we held their eructations, their flatulens and their stools? And is this why they still as grown ups share these feats with childish glee? If thats the case, why do we women find it embarrassing?

Is it because we celebrate womens bodily functions for a shorter time and then starts reprimanding us for them instead?

Who knows, but I have to end this post now as I believe my daugther just gave me yet another reason to party.